Two Years, Two Million Tears

I cannot believe that it will be two years tomorrow since Robo left my life forever. Sometimes it seems as raw and painful as if it happened just yesterday. Some days — most days, actually — I go through my daily routine with Robo tagging along in the back of my thoughts and in my heart. Other days, the grief overtakes me and I have to indulge myself in a tear-fest. Often those happen sitting in my car in the garage outside my house. Other times, in the shower, as I remember the baths he so loved to take, especially in the roll in shower created just for him right after we bought this house. With money gained from his medical malpractice suit.


Too many tears...

I wonder often how different our lives would be if he hadn’t gotten sick, hadn’t had the toe amputations, and most importantly, hadn’t had the spinal epidural abscess that left him paralyzed and unable to walk. Would our lives be better or just different? Would he have passed sooner — due to some self-destructive habit — or would he be with me now, probably in some ramshackle apartment but ambulatory.

I don’t concern myself with these what-ifs very often. Some of them, I’ve never articulated until now. Mostly, I just miss Robo every day of my life. Every day, I am reminded of him. A song that makes me sad or reminds me of him, food that he liked that I happen upon in the grocery store, a neighborhood haunt that we liked, sometimes anything will trigger a memory. I guess you never stop missing someone you love; they remain in your heart and mind always.

I will drive out to the cemetery tomorrow just because I feel the need to be especially close to Robo tomorrow, cold and raining though it might be. And I’ll stand there for a few minutes and tell him out loud all the things I feel and what’s been happening and what a crazy year it has been and I will probably cry. Scratch that. I KNOW I will cry, but it will be okay because no one looks at you like you are crazy if you cry in a cemetery.

Robert, I wish you had stayed around a while. But I guess that is me being selfish. You had to go. But remember that I will always need you, and miss you and love you. Every day of my life.

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