Hello and welcome to Martha Stewart’s Prison Living
You know, incarceration does not mean the end of gracious living. As regular listeners have learned the term ‘good enough’ is simply not in my vocabulary. In just a few short weeks here in the women’s minimum security facility I have discovered dozens of ways to transform prison living into a warm and cozy experience.
Take parsley for example. The common little herb, ignored by many has myriad uses for gracious prison living. Ask your bi-weekly visitors to bring you a bunch when they come. Stored properly in about 1 inch of water in your toothbrush cup, parsley will stay fresh for up to 10 days. Parsley must never be kept in direct sunlight which should not be a problem in most federal facilities. Parsley provides a spot of welcome color in any cell and looks especially nice perched atop a brushed stainless steel sink or toilet seat. It is also ideal for sprucing up dreary, prison lunches and dinners. It is a pretty sprig to carry with you for a T.G.I.F. dinner or bring an extra sprig for a cellblock mate.
The mashed potatoes in most penal facilities make an excellent substitute for glue or paste. Almost any flavor of jam or jelly makes a lovely lip gloss. I use my jam lip gloss every day, but it looks especially nice when I dress up by affixing a sprig of parsley to my prison jumpsuit. Sometimes I just tuck the parsley behind one ear for a jeune fille effect.
You can keep your hands and feet soft with mayonnaise. To keep in touch write me via the warden at Danbury, CT.