Foreigner’s Guide to Texas

RULE 1: Don’t order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.

RULE 2: Don’t laugh at folks’ names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tommie Jo, Johnny Bob, Mari Beth, Marva, Edna Sue, and Inez have been known to whip a man’s ass for less than that.

RULE 3: Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it’s called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi, Sprite, or Dr. Pepper. Got it?

RULE 4: Texas women don’t fancy the smart-mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have big brothers and bigger daddies.

RULE 5: Don’t show allegiance to any other school football team but the AGGIES or Longhorns. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.

RULE 6: Don’t call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. We just talk that way to piss you off.

RULE 7: Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money, and go home.

RULE 8: No, the state symbol of TEXAS is not the orange and white highway barrel. But it ought to be. This road construction is ticking us off, too.

RULE 9: Don’t go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this, everyone will know you’re from Nebraska. Just eat the biscuits like GOD meant for you to do. And do not order poached eggs. No one from the South eats poached eggs.

RULE 10: Don’t try to talk with a Texas accent if you don’t have one or use regional idioms you can’t possibly understand. Nothing makes us madder.

RULE 11: Don’t be telling everybody how much better it was back home. We’re not going to change to make you happy. So if you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are!

RULE 12: Our food isn’t overcooked; yours is undercooked.

RULE 13: Down here, “Kiss my ass” is a perfectly acceptable way to close an argument. You can’t get more closure than that.

RULE 14: Flirting is a Southern tradition. It doesn’t mean you’re going home with someone later. It doesn’t mean the person flirting with you is even interested. It’s all just practice.

RULE 15: Take your hat off when you say the words “Tom Landry.”

Leave a Comment