For Acidman

… who probably could have written this one himself.

HAZARDOUS MATERIAL DATA SHEET

Substance: Woman
Atomic Symbol: WO
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface texture soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced
3. Boils at nothing
4. Freezes without reason
5. Melts with special treatment
6. Flavor is initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age
10. Even brief linking with Male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See Hazards #3)

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Pleasurable companion until legally united

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when abserved in natural state
2. Turns green when compared to a better specimen

HAZARDS:
1. May explode spontaneously without cause
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen
3. Avoid contact with specimen while in possession of plastic credit cards

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