A Man’s Dictionary

Phrase: “I’m going fishing.”
Definition: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
Phrase: “It’s a guy thing.”
Definition: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
Phrase: “Can I help with dinner?”
Definition: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
Phrase: “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” “Yes, dear.”
Definition: Absolutely nothing. They are conditioned responses.
Phrase: “It would take too long to explain.”
Definition: “I have no idea how it works.”
Phrase: “We’re going to be late.”
Definition: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
Phrase: “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Definition: “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
Phrase: “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Definition: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
Phrase: “That’s women’s work.”
Definition: “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
Phrase: “You know how bad my memory is.”
Definition: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
Phrase: “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Definition: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
Phrase: “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Definition: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
Phrase: “I can’t find it.”
Definition: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
Phrase: “What did I do this time?”
Definition: “What did you catch me at?”
Phrase: “I heard you.”
Definition: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
Phrase: “You know I could never love anyone else.”
Definition: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
Phrase: “You look terrific.”
Definition: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
Phrase: “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Definition: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Phrase: “We share the housework.”
Definition: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

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